Finally a rare moment to myself in the midst of the vortex that has become life in Tamsterville - where our heroine often finds herself thrown from the spinning wheel...picking curled cedar shavings from her furry ah...better stop there. I'm trying to be gentle this week.

I honestly don't know why I am still deemed 'interesting' by the passersby, and the wonderful few who still grace me with kind words when its been sooo long since I've returned the favor. I used to visit daily, but now my time is spent in the menial, the mundane and lately the incredibly sad moments that eclipse future hopes and dreams...and spare blogging time. My family is dragging...no longer rising early to pray but back to the blur of three people preparing for the world in less than forty five minutes - sometimes I don't comb my hair before I leave...my son eats cereal in the car...the down time I try to sneak in eclipsed by taxes, and loan closings and the ever needy - the ever stupid - the ever bleating sheep who only follow...follow...follow and I have become their snapping cowering dog ceaselessly circling - attempting to keep them as one without bruising any tender sheepish flesh. And choking on woolly hairballs. Funny how that 'morning blog' I gave up for better pursuits was the thing that was fueling my creative muse...she's run away again. Lurking in the darker places of my misfiring brain.

Next week is filled with myriad tasks, appointments, issues and I will face them without the benefit of my anchor...who leaves for Michigan on Saturday morning and will be back late the following Sunday. Its never good when he leaves....And my guilt rises noxious in the back of my throat. I am ashamed to be upset...his dad is unable to use his legs and Dave is going home for a week to do things like help his father to the bathroom...how dare I complain? Indeed. My true colors bleed through my skin like too much india ink on the tip of a pen...cruel and indelible...

And here I am...wanting to be strong for a friend who's grown son is missing....yes, detectives...police reports - that 'suicide' word - it too is lodged in my throat when I think of the possibilities. Another friend attempting to protect a daughter in danger....I so want to ease the burdens of those I love yet all I can do is shut the door quietly and cry into my pillow...because with the words I have - I am voiceless and powerless in the face of pain....

And yes, Virginia Tech burns a hole in my heart too. I'm the mother of a 'difficult' boy...and I have peered into the future enough to be fierce when it comes to raising my children. To move them forward when I can barely breathe. To smile when I am screaming inside...to remain sober, diligent and 'damn nosey' because there are always signs before the disaster...and as long as I breathe I vehemently stand against that darkness - because I have lived in that darkness and I wish it on no one.

I want to be a child of hope...and not a child of pain...

I wish the same for you.

(Tam exits the page considering the ramifications of cloning - since right now there is enough flesh on her for at least two dogs....yup....)