See I had this sappy lamentation about my inner muse and banshee throwing blows in twilight - bouncing off the smooth parts of my brain unwrinkled by original thought but in the soft light of morning with the day stretched out in front of me like a banquet of raw squid and dirty diapers - who the hell cares how I felt last night. Some of us don't make enough money to throw bald headed umbrella brandishing tantrums. We must protect the secret insanity of our souls and at least pretend we are cogs, drones, and cublicloids until we chew our feet off and release ourselves into that cosmic excasty of a Taco Bell I'm Full moment.

So I'm back. Owl blogs don't suit me. I am definitely more that stinking mourning dove outside your window - or maybe the three am barking dog - but I am no night creature. Unless you like drool...perhaps then I can oblige you with a quaint stuck to my pillow vignette.

For the few of you yesterday who asked me if I ever wrote 'dark' - let me address you carefully - gentle creature of the morning I am LIKE YEAH! DAILY! Seriously - I am often a better dark poet than a child of light. Something I keep in check. If you're really interested - I can shoot you an email link - check in October....there's some dark stuff there - but its spattered all over this public blog wasteland I call my own.

Another comment was made "crying out for music" again - when you know me better - this is probably intentional. I am a frustrated lyricist. God only gave me words....no melodies and specific instructions also: "you need a partner" - I've never found one. So - lyric poetry also happens. Thank you. It was validation.

Finally - the second poem....it does ryhme - someone actually mentioned he/she liked it better because it didn't "YES!" If the ryhme was that subtle - thank you. La dee Da poems ad nauseum are the mark of a brain in a terminal saccharine loop (tatish - thank you for the saccharine reminder...a cool spark)

So I return to my morning blog - angst filled and random as it may be its certainly better than the dirge I produced last night. It will be summarily deleted.

I'm still struggling with the whole friends thing. I let Scooter go because I thought he was closed for good only to find him back - friends only and me missing his moments of mad muppet insanity. I really abhore the limitations - but I suppose its a programming issue and well beyond my understanding. So if you are newer and suddenly removed from the circle, don't get it twisted. My blog is still public. You can still comment. And when the dust settles and the interesting people change - and the stamp collectors eliminate themselves - hit me again. I'm not silly enough to think 300 people will love me forever when my own two kids can't stand me most days. And rest assured, if you comment - I will get around to visiting you. We don't have to be 'connected' to connect. Please remember - I'm a BLOGGER. I'm a WRITER. I'm MARRIED WITH SPAWN. And I'm well over 18. i'm also very very mundane. So think before you waste a space on YOUR page attempting to 'add' a boneheaded woman like me.
PEACE! - no cutsey pic today....I got money and there's a gas station nearby with green chile cheeseburger burritos. A girl's gotta prioritize...

BE BLESSED -

And so it slips in on shrouded feet, chilled fingers up my spine in darkness. A subtle rustling melancholy seeping into my soul. Spilling from my eyes silent. The dischordant music of a broken child. I dance to it in my dreams....

It happened last night after the family was drooling and snoring in their respective rumpled sheets and I with a moment of empty room paradise sat tangled up in my own mired thoughts - eyes focused on the flickering panorama of public TV - absorbing the shifting sunlit depths while whale songs sifted into my spirit - that black hole place - that whirling vortex in my center that threatens to eat me in the middle of an azure tinted summer skied day...And so I did what I do best...what I do now...I fed it my tears.

Perhaps its the pending hedonistic "Me" fest looming, or the corporate machine grinding... or just the sludge of my past gumming up the mental works - but sometimes when I've been foaming at the mouth - biting and clawing for survival as I have been for the past month - fighting for my career, my physical health all that other crap for which we battle - when I finally am able to STOP the MADNESS - I am confronted by that little girl inside me. The one who used to lie in the dark as her parents fought in the other room....the one who was never asked to dance...never pretty....never popular....and never EVER the flavor of the day. Yes, that girl. That inconsequential child who cannot remember sitting on her mommy's lap, but always to the side...I catch her soul sometimes staring back at me in the mirror. And I want so much to tell her - Its ok. But sometimes - she just doesn't believe me.

We all have our flaws, our tripping points - our critters that scurry out just as we think we've poisoned and trapped them all. I am no different. I have a lonely inner child. It is why, although I crave attention - I also view it as suspect. It is why although I am enjoying the temporary status of 'interesting' - I question the validity of it all. What am I truly giving? Who am I blessing? What purpose do I serve in the scheme of things? Tears don't heal the broken child. Only love can heal a soul. That is my mantra, my purpose, my focus - and the issues of the day, the mindless drone of the corporate gears, the glut of superficial gimme gimme candy coated holiday kitsche - all that stuff - it scrapes the spirit raw. We are not keyed to be monsters or machines.

So my challenge whilst I drink my pan drip coffee and prepare to visit blogs till my EYES cross is this: Go find that broken child in your life. Go tell that broken child - "I love you. You are beautiful. You matter. You are whole. And you are ok." Find someone to put your arms around. Be gentle with someone. Even if it means that you stand in front of your mirror and just be gentle with yourself. You matter. And if you could just get a taste of that love....oh, you would be satiated.

Peace. I welcome P.June, Aweiserbud, Robinhud, Missy A, 11.Bravo, Seanymph, Snafu, and Sherry to the blogblock called Tammy. Most days - I keep it light because light illuminates all it touches, but once in awhile...I'm a real girl and real girls cry and stomp their feet. Today I'm shaking off the tears and letting my little girl out to play in the sun. PEACE!

I absolutely love to dance. So I married a guy whom I had to ply with liquor to dance with me at our wedding....sigh.

Hope you have a blessed weekend - have fun and be safe. I will be on catching up on your amazing blogs - oh and Scotts thousand posts too (teasing) but I wanted to start the morning off with a laugh. Bigspawn showed me this last night. (Tam is scared. She recognised all the songs...)Peace and nachos!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGQMyN75LFQ this is the link if you can't watch the video...